When Women Earn More
As I was browsing around on Pinterest this morning, I came across an article on one of the more well-known financial advice blogs talking about women making more money than their husbands. The percentage of wives earning more than their husbands has slowly increased from 13% in 1980 to 31% in 2017. The (male) writer of the article was doing his best to help couples navigate this shift and encouraged communication, understanding, and working together. These are all good things.
Unfortunately, the headline (and much of the article) was directed to women and what women should do to help men feel better about making less.
Seriously?
Women should be able to earn more than their husbands without also having to worry about hurting their husband’s feelings.
How about this headline instead: “How to get over yourself and love your wife for who she is no matter how much money she makes.”
There. I fixed it.
The problem isn’t even just that women worry about hurting their husband’s feelings. It’s that society has conditioned us to feel bad about it from the start. In 2017, Pew Research reported that just over 70% of men and women felt that it was important for a man to be able to financially support his family. We’ve been taught to think that financial support makes a man a good spouse, but that it makes women worse partners.
Sure, on one level, we accept and admire successful and wealthy women, but at the same time we sit around criticizing her for not making every single one of the right decisions (not that there even are universally right decisions). We talk about their hair or whisper “she just sounds so mean” when they speak passionately about something that’s important to them. We comment on how their clothes were distracting (or not) or talk about their hair instead of their words. Women have long been held to different standards than men.
So it’s rich when men write articles about how women should be compassionate and patient with their husbands. Being compassionate and patient are generally good things for any person to do, of course. The world could be a lot kinder and we should always aspire to treat our partners with love and respect. I’m certainly not arguing that women should be less supportive of their husbands.
But that is entirely different from making the wife responsible for managing her husband’s feelings.
Let me be clear: how people feel about a woman making more money than her spouse is not her problem. If other people, whether the husband or people outside the marriage have a problem, it is their own responsibility to manage their own emotions.
So here’s some advice I would give to husbands who find themselves having uncomfortable feelings related to their wife’s salary:
Acknowledge your feelings. Notice them. Think about them. Observe how they feel and correctly identify them as your own feelings.
Look for the cause or source of those feelings. Where do they come from? What thoughts do you have that make you feel that way? Do you hear other people saying that a wife making more is bad? Is it a cultural thing? Did you grow up believing that men had to make more?
Think about how you can change the thoughts that are leading you to have uncomfortable feelings. For example:
It’s totally normal to have feelings related to a change in what has always been normal for you. That does not mean, however, that you have to keep those feelings or the thoughts that lead to them. Feel those feelings, evaluate them, and change them. Your family and relationship can be amazing and awesome no matter who makes more.
And for everyone else judging men who make less than their wives: get over yourselves. Maybe that man is someone to admire and emulate. Maybe he has a better relationship and is actually happier not having the added stress and pressure. Maybe he’s the one you should strive to be.
So yes, women should be kind and empathetic. Spouses should work together to identify their goals and create a life plan. They should communicate and practice good listening skills. But only because that’s what spouses are supposed to do. It’s called “having a good relationship.”
Nobody’s value is based on their salary or how much money they have. Men, even those still making more than their wives, should stop factoring that into their sense of self-worth. Women should stop feeling guilty either way. All relationships will be a lot healthier if we see others as they are regardless of how much money they make.
And above all, your wife making more money means more money for your family. Maybe it means getting out of debt faster or saving more for retirement. Or you might be able to buy a bigger house or go on more vacations. You’ll be able to meet your goals faster and have more peace of mind about the future. The whole family benefits when women make more.
So men, next time someone teases you (or you berate yourself) for making less than your wife, your response should be “Yeah, it’s great! My family is so much better off! You should support your wife so she can earn more!”
