If you’ve ever tried to spend less and felt like a failure, you’re not alone. Spending money often feels like it should be simple—just stop buying things you don’t need, right? At least, that’s what everyone tells you. 

But have you ever tried to “just stop” doing anything? It’s not easy. Anyone who has tried to change their habits or stick to a New Year’s resolution knows that it might work at first, but simply deciding to make a change isn’t an effective long-term strategy for anything. 

So why do we keep hearing this from financial pros and writers? Well, partly because it’s easy. It seems like it makes sense, particularly from a numbers perspective: if you want to save more money, you need to give less of it away. 

But the truth is, money isn’t just about numbers. It’s emotional. It’s tied to our past, our beliefs, and the way we want to feel. That’s why “just stop spending” isn’t helpful advice—it ignores the deeper reasons behind our behavior. 

To truly take control of your spending, you don’t need more guilt, shame, or restriction. You need to change the way you think about money. By making a few mindset shifts, you can stop feeling out of control and start using your money intentionally to create a life you love.

Here are five powerful mindset shifts to get you started:

1. Spending Money Is a Skill You Can Learn

Think you’re just naturally bad with money? You’re not.

Most of us were never taught how to spend money. Even if we were lucky enough to have a financial literacy class, they likely didn’t teach you how to make good spending decisions. Instead, we learned by watching our parents or caregivers—and that wasn’t always a good thing.

You may have seen them argue about money, spend every dollar as soon as it came in, avoid spending on anything that wasn’t necessary, or buy whatever they wanted without thinking about the consequences.

(By the way, people who have or earn lots of money are NOT better at spending it. Just take a look at some of these wealthy celebrities who went broke.)

The good news is that spending money is a skill, not an inherent quality. (You’re not simply “bad with money.”) And like any skill, it’s something you can learn and improve with practice. 

Most of us don’t think of spending as a skill. Right now, you might feel like spending is something that just happens, usually without much thought. But there’s actually a lot more to it. 

Being skilled at spending means that you:

• Know where your money goes and why

• Make intentional decisions that feel good now and in the future

• Prioritize what truly matters to you and cut back on what doesn’t

• Spend in alignment with your values, goals, and priorities

• Allow yourself to spend money without feeling guilty (because you’ve planned for it in advance)

Developing the skill of spending puts you back in control, allowing you to create financial wellness now and in the future. 

To get started, sign up to download my free guide: 14 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Making a Purchase. These questions will help you pause, reflect, and make intentional decisions about how to use your money.

2. Shift From Guilt to Curiosity

It’s normal for anyone struggling with overspending to feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed. As a financial coach, I see this all the time and it’s completely understandable to feel this way.

Guilt can trap you in a cycle: buying things, regretting them, promising to do better next time, and starting all over again. Sometimes, it’s easier to throw your hands up and stop trying because nothing seems to work. You wonder why you should bother trying.

This guilt isn’t helpful. In fact, it can actually prevent you from doing something about it. The feeling of shame washes over you and you start to hide from and avoid your money struggles. It’s easier to keep going as you are than it is to face the feelings you experience every time you think about it. 

But if you want to break the cycle, you will eventually have to face it. It’s not easy, but the only way out is through. While I can’t wave a magic wand and make the guilt, shame, and embarrassment go away, I do have one thing that can help: 

Approach your spending with curiosity. Think of yourself as an observer who is merely wondering what is happening. Notice what is going on without judgment. Be gentle with yourself. 

Your brain will likely try to supply those feelings of guilt and shame, but you just gently tell your brain that we’re not doing that—we’re not judging. It will take practice, but I know you can do it!

As you’re observing with curiosity, ask yourself: 

• Why did I make that purchase?

• How was I feeling at the time?

• What was I hoping to achieve?

Curiosity helps you uncover the emotional triggers behind your behavior. It allows you to offer yourself compassion and understanding while creating space for change.

3. You’re Not Restricting Yourself—You’re Making Intentional Choices

If you’ve been avoiding budgeting because it sounds awful, you’re not alone. I’m a financial coach who helps people manage their money and even I don’t like budgeting. Why? Because most budgeting methods focus on limits and restrictions. You feel like you’re going to have to deprive yourself of everything that brings you joy in life. 

And yes, sometimes we have to say no to ourselves. As amazing as it would be to buy whatever we want whenever we want, the reality is that it’s just not possible. 

But just because money is a finite resource doesn’t mean that managing your money has to be about restrictions and deprivation. You don’t have to give up everything you love and enjoy—but you do have to make intentional choices about where your money goes. 

Intentional spending is the idea that you cut back on things you care about less so that you have more to spend on the things that are most important to you. It’s not depriving yourself—it’s making choices to use your money in a way that has the biggest impact on your happiness and sense of fulfillment in life. 

The reality is that most of us at some point spend money on things that aren’t that critical. Maybe they bring us a quick dopamine hit or a moment of joy, but those feelings quickly fade and we’re left with overstuffed closets and piles of stuff to take to Goodwill. 

So ask yourself:

• What are my core values and priorities?

• How can I align my spending with those values?

When you focus on what you want to spend your money on, it becomes easier to say no to everything else. And when you allow yourself to enjoy the things you truly care about, you can let go of the guilt and feel good about your choices.

Doesn’t that sound nice? 

4. Figure Out What is Enough

Have you ever noticed that our brains default to thinking that more is always better? Two is better than one. A big house is better than a small house. The big package of strawberries is better than the small one. 

Sometimes there’s a good reason to get more. A two-bedroom house for a family of five is a challenge. When you’re hosting a spaghetti dinner for 20 boys on the swim team, you’re going to need more pasta. When my favorite coffee is on sale, I’m going to get a bunch because I’ll save money and I know that I’ll actually use it. 

But more isn’t always better. Sometimes a bigger house just means more space to clean and care for, to the point where it’s overwhelming and sometimes impossible. Buying the large container of strawberries at Costco isn’t worth it if you can’t eat them all and throw half of them away. 

This “more is always better” mentality can lead us to buy things as a default and before you know it, your house is a jungle of houseplants because you couldn’t say no to just one more. (Ask me how I know…)

We all have things like this. It’s just how our brains work. 

What we have to do is re-train our brains to think in terms of “enough.” Just like Goldilocks, we have to figure out what is just right. Not too big and not too small. 

Next time you’re shopping, ask yourself: 

• Do I really need another _____? 

• Do I already have something like this that I can use? 

• Will I actually use this? Or will it go bad, get thrown out, or end up stashed in a closet somewhere? 

The reality is that we can only wear so many sweaters, eat so many strawberries, and use so many tools. After that, more is just more. 

By defining what is “enough” for you, you can spend your money on what truly matters and avoid the rest.

5. Being in Control of Money is a Form of Self Care and Empowerment

Many people avoid their money because it feels like a necessary evil—just something we have to live with in order to survive. Maybe you learned that “money is the root of all evil” or observe all the crazy and unethical things people do with money. Or perhaps you watched your parents fight about money and learned that money is a source of stress. 

There are many good reasons why people think money is bad or avoid paying attention to it. (Besides just being too busy in general.)

And of course there is some truth in these things—money can be stressful, people do bad things with money, and money is not one of the most important things in life. 

But I want to challenge the idea that money is inherently bad. Instead, I want you to consider that money is neutral, and is just a tool or a method of exchange. Why? Because thinking of money as bad and stressful makes you avoid it and might actually be increasing your stress level. 

When you’re stressed about money, you might find yourself saying/thinking: “f— it! I’m never going to be able to earn or have enough, so I might as well just buy this thing that makes me feel better right now.” You get stuck in a cycle of buying things to feel better (as self care), while actually making things worse. 

Instead, I encourage you to consider that being in control of your money is the self care that you need. Having money and knowing how to manage it gives you more control, power, and freedom in your life. It reduces stress and helps you get more of the things that you want in life. It allows you the freedom to make decisions based on what you want instead of based on how much you have. 

So instead of thinking of money as a stressful and necessary evil, think of managing your money as a way to take care of yourself and empower yourself to do the things you really want to do. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your finances, start thinking about what’s possible. What are your biggest goals and dreams? How can you use your money to create more of what matters to you?

Still not convinced? Read this post on 5 Reasons Why Women Need to Take Control of their Finances.

Take the First Step Today

Mindset shifts take time, and it’s okay if you don’t feel like you’ve got it all figured out yet. The most important thing is to start where you are and take one small step forward.

Remember: progress is better than perfection, and every step you take brings you closer to a life where you feel in control of your money and confident in your decisions.

You’ve got this!