Is Debt a Reason to Break Up?
According to a recent survey from Finder.com, 37% of adults would consider ending a relationship because of debt. It may seem shallow or unromantic to make relationship decisions based on debt or finances, but it is a question worth considering because debt can strain a relationship, cause stress, and potentially lead to a devastating divorce or breakup down the road.
At the same time, simply having debt isn’t a reason to immediately end the relationship. Debt does not necessarily mean that someone has been irresponsible with money or that they will continue to struggle financially.
What to consider before breaking up with someone over debt
The type of debt
Why the person is in debt
If they have a plan for paying it off
How the person in debt feels about their debt
If you think you can trust them with money (as in, they are taking steps to change concerning behavior)
Your level of comfort
Your ability as a couple to communicate and make plans for your life together.
When it comes to debt and relationships, there’s no single solution that is right for everyone. Some couples will be able to work it out so that everyone feels safe, secure, and happy. Others will find that debt is insurmountable and that ending the relationship is the best option.
Ultimately, marriage and committed relationships involve trust. And if having debt or other financial struggles means that you can’t trust your partner, your relationship will suffer.
Whatever you decide, here are some things to consider as you make your decision.
Why is debt a problem in relationships?
When it comes to debt, it’s not just about the numbers. Money affects all areas of a relationship because it affects all areas of life. It affects how you spend your time, what vacations you go on, where you live, what you teach your kids, and more. Money is not just a set of numbers. It reflects your values, and one of the hardest things in relationships is navigating competing values.
Another reason why debt can be problematic for a relationship is that it affects long-term financial stability and goals. It might mean that it takes you longer to buy a home, reduces the number of vacations you can take, or even affects your ability to retire.
So debt should never be taken lightly. The stress of debt can spill over into other areas of the relationship, impacting intimacy, shared goals, and overall well-being.
How much debt is too much?
There’s no single right answer to the question of how much debt is too much. It depends on many factors, including personal preference, amount of debt, type of debt, and the ability of the couple to communicate and work together to devise a plan.
Type of Debt
The kind of debt that someone has can make a huge difference emotionally. For example, car loans, mortgages, and student loans are less of a deal breaker than credit card debt, payday loans, and owing money to family and friends.
Why?
Because things like car loans, student loans, and mortgages are generally considered to be “good debt”—you take them on as a strategic way to buy something you need. (Whether or not this is true is debatable, but that’s how many people perceive these types of loans.)
Credit card debt, on the other hand, is often seen as the result of out-of-control spending (though this is also frequently not true). If you are financially secure, you might hesitate to merge finances with and take on the debt of someone who might continue to overspend.
Amount of Debt
The specific amount of debt that was unacceptable, according to the Finder.com survey varied by type of debt, gender, and age. Overall, the average amount of credit card debt that was unacceptable was $12,601. But of course this number varies for each person.
Personal Preference
Money is emotional. It’s affected by our personalities and our past experiences. This makes each person’s level of comfort with debt highly variable. A person who grew up with parents who were constantly in debt might be less comfortable with it than another person would be.
A person’s level of comfort might also be affected by income, how much money they’ve saved, their financial goals, and how much they trust the other person to stop accumulating and pay off their debt.
A Couple’s Dynamic
A relationship where you constantly fight over money is not good for anyone. While it is possible, particularly with the help of a therapist and/or financial coach, to work through money issues, many couples end up separating because the stress is too much.
When it comes to money, communication and honesty are key. Hiding debt, purchases, or other money details from your partner creates a breach of trust that can be detrimental to your relationship.
Your ability as a couple to handle debt will be directly affected by your level of trust, how well you communicate, and your ability to solve problems together.
What should you do if someone you’re dating tells you they have debt?
Recognize the feelings involved
If your partner tells you that they have debt, the first thing you need to do is recognize that it is normal to experience a wide range of feelings, particularly if you are financially secure. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, uncertain, disappointed, etc.
If you need to, it’s perfectly okay to take some time to reflect and process your feelings. But don’t immediately assume that everything is perfectly fine or that it means your relationship has to end.
Instead, approach the discussion with curiosity. Ask questions to find out what kind of debt, why it happened, and what the person is doing about it (if anything at all).
Talking with your partner in depth will help you gather the information you need to make an informed decision. The most important thing to know is whether your partner wants to get rid of the debt and has a reasonable plan or ideas for making it happen.
You should also recognize that it likely took a lot of courage for your partner to tell you about something that is often a source of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. The fact that your partner told you about it means that they care enough about you and the relationship to say something that could put it all at risk.
On the other hand, your partner might have told you in a way that demonstrates that they don’t think the debt is a big deal and have no plan to deal with it. This is a bigger red flag than the simple fact that someone has debt, and you should proceed with caution since that debt could legally become yours if you get married.
Once you have a sense of what is happening, you’ll have an easier time deciding how to proceed.
Consider your options
If your partner has debt, you have four basic options for how to proceed:
Tell yourself that “love conquers all” and stay in the relationship without doing anything to address the debt. (This is the only bad option.)
Work together to make a plan for dealing with the debt (perhaps working with a financial coach and/or therapist) and proceed with the relationship.
Wait and see—give the person with debt time to make a plan and demonstrate that it is under control
Break up.
You might automatically know which of these options is best for you, but it’s also normal to struggle with making this decision. You may have already invested significant time with your partner and it can be hard to end it because of something that seems like it shouldn’t be that important in something like love.
If that’s the case, consider that working together to communicate your feelings and make a plan that works for both of you is an excellent way to see how your relationship will be in the long run. If you can effectively deal with the debt together in a way that feels good for both of you, you can be confident that you have the skills to make your relationship last.
Remember, time is your friend. You may be feeling pressured to make a decision, but sometimes you just need time to adapt or see what happens. If you aren’t sure what decision to make, then keep talking about it and give each other time.
It’s far better to wait and make sure you’re making the right decision than to rush into something you could regret.
What to do if you decide to stay in a relationship with someone who has debt
1. Communicate
You absolutely must be open and honest with each other, and communicate as much as possible. Hiding your feelings gets you nowhere.
Communicating well involves both being transparent and honest, but also listening with curiosity (not judgment) as you explore feelings and beliefs about money.
If you need help navigating these conversations, work with a financial coach and/or therapist.
2. Help your partner make a plan
Sit down together and go through each person’s finances. Talk about various possibilities and what it would look like if you were to live together or get married, if that’s on the table.
You can support your partner by:
Teaching them how you manage money
Reading books or listening to podcasts together about personal finance
Talking through various options to decide on the best one
Understanding that they may not have had the same financial education that you did and being empathetic
Not making them feel bad or stupid (this may make them shut down).
Creating a budget together
Remember, it is not your responsibility to do this for them. If they are not willing to make changes on their own and seem uninterested in getting the debt under control, this is a bigger red flag than the simple fact that they have debt. You can’t make them do something they’re not ready to do, and this could spell trouble for your relationship.
3. Consider waiting
When one person has debt, it can be a good idea to wait and see how the debt payoff is going. Is the plan working? Is your partner still committed to making it work? Time will give you an idea of how things will look in the long term.
4. Consider a prenup
Understandably, most people have a strong negative reaction to prenups. When your partner suggests making a prenup, it’s common to see it as an indication that your partner doesn’t trust you or the relationship. It can feel like your partner doesn’t value you or see you as an equal partner.
But as people get married later, after they’ve accumulated assets (or debt), prenups make more and more sense—especially for those who have children, have an existing business they wish to protect, significant premarital assets, etc.
Although nobody likes to think that their relationship will come to an end, the reality is that many do, and it often comes as a complete surprise to one of the partners.
What if you’re the one who has debt?
Ultimately, you can’t control how your partner feels or responds, but you do have control over how you are handling your debt. The best thing you can do is take steps to stop accumulating debt and start paying it off.
This usually means:
Identifying the source of your debt (medical costs, emergencies, spending, student loans, etc).
If the problem is spending, figuring out how to reign it in.
Creating a budget so you can exert more control over your money.
Making a plan to get out of debt.
Sticking to your plan over time.
Having a concrete plan for your debt goes a long way in providing your partner with reassurance over your debt.
If you need help, hiring a financial coach can often help you get your debt under control faster than you might be able to do on your own. Financial coaches assist you in transforming your relationship with money by making a plan, transforming your spending (if that’s a concern), creating a budget, and holding you accountable. They provide support and strategies to help you achieve your goal in the fastest way possible.
Although it can seem counter-intuitive to pay for a coach when you are already in debt, a coach can often help you save money and pay off your debt faster and with less money. Plus it shows that you’re serious about not letting your debt come between you and your partner.
Learn More: Why You Should Hire a Financial Coach Even if You Can Learn Everything on Your Own
Managing Debt as a Couple
When managed effectively, debt does not have to mean the end of a relationship. Left unattended, however, it can place a significant strain on your relationship and possibly lead to a break up.
Working together to address debt means lots of communication and potentially hard conversations around money, values, habits, emotions, past history, etc. If you’re willing to fully engage in this process, these communication skills will serve you in all areas of your relationship.
Ultimately, couples who have healthy, long-term relationships are able to get to a place with money where they feel like they are on the same team, working toward shared goals, and creating their dream life together.
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